Don’t Know Squat


These are some pretty crazy times we are experiencing right now. I must have some reassurance from a comment made by a friend recently that, these difficult challenges we find ourselves dealing with we did arrange for ourselves; and, we ‘created’ (arranged) these challenges in our lives to rise above or move beyond them – in growth and awareness (but we knew that).  As I write these words I can hear Jim Self in the background advising another ‘seeker’ to not beat the self up in the process.  That is really tough to do when we find ourselves asking the great question ‘why’ and not getting a clue of an answer!  Talk about surrendering to the process!

My process is definitely struggling with the surrender part right now, and another friend comments to me that she has learned (or is learning) how to not ‘feed the wolf’ of fear that lives within, and just allow the course of things – and thus she is always rewarded.   I am witnessing the issues that are sparking fear within myself and many belonging to my spouse, as we walk this journey together, and desperately I watch and listen for my heart’s counsel in dealing with any given moment in the process. Phew and wow and whoa.

What are these fears? How are they showing up in my life? How am I dealing with it? Is there old programming showing up, old reactive habits? Old familiar feelings/emotions tied in? What to do?  Honestly, I have been quite stumped along the way. Mind boggling.  And I must only surmise that this is the point right now, to not know anything.

Requiring total surrender to and in the process.  And that surrender can be excruciatingly difficult, as we peel the most difficult layers of the stuff we are releasing and release – once and for all.  And some of that stuff is really sticky, like the label on a jar that just won’t scrub off, all of that glue that never goes away.  Of course this is all relative to the personal Journey, as well – what is your ‘mission’ this time around?  Follow your heart, and you shall find – it knows.

Only sometimes I don’t hear so good, ha ha.  The old habit of looking for the ‘safe’ call, the ego’s need to protect this physical vehicle at all costs has an amazing power grip on the mind’s ability to know that particular solution may not be the best one at the moment. The Hamster Wheel Syndrome.  At what piss stop did I choose this again? Dam! I must have been asleep at the wheel in that moment. SFP, now I have to deal with this. Arghhh

Okay, so the challenge is in the face, consuming my world while my vigilance of detachment with focus is stabilized; and because we are walking this path together, Mate and I, we collectively must choose in certain events. The question is: how do we make the challenges go away? Together? Well, this is a conundrum event as we each have our own individual challenges that go in the bucket of ‘us’, as well.  So I find that I must totally separate myself from some of his dilemmas, and he mine as well. Individual Journeys.  And yet the results of some decisions made by one of us impacts us both. Allowing one another space in our own individual Journeys to come to personal decisions is absolutely a must do…ultimately and totally. No matter how human we are.  Love does matter, very important.  Hmmm, life is interesting, indeed.

I am really grateful for being so close to the river, my refuge.  We are last on the road to the river and it is a good hike down there, totally wilderness, rarely do you encounter others there at the same time, except maybe during ‘owner high season’, or Sundays.  And so to take my three dogs for a trek to the river is a time-out in a very sacred jungle space.  Thank you River Spirit for all of your consolations and your ears and your advice. And the peace.  Even if my dogs like to demand my attention during the meditation. The dogs are a meditation of their own, they are three Australian Cattle Dogs (Queensland Heelers) and they are a handful. They are powerful dogs, known for their ‘hard headedness’ (i.e. stubborn), and have required serious ‘pack ethics’ to form a good pack of us. It is a good reminder in the nature of things, my horses and dogs are some of my greatest advisors.

Anyway, I think I would already have gone cuckoo without them; we exercise discipline and we envelop freedom, all at the moments needed or available, each time.  This is important when something unexpected happens, the chaos is diminished within the order of ‘how things must work now’.  If they were not to listen to me – each or all of them at the same time, taking the matter into their own hands – it would be a wreck for sure.  They are working dogs instinctively, and a high priority is defense – they are not fond of strangers, and keep their distance unless otherwise required. And be there they will, when needed.  I am the alpha female in this pack – it is understood.  Yet they are devoted to the team effort, they are always there – no matter what.  I must also be the alpha female of my own life, each and every step. Yet we must also work together within the boundaries that we establish, just like with Mate.  Boundaries these days are in flux, in all respects, as we work on shifting from ‘separation’ to ‘unity’.  And the belief systems are smashed to smithereens.

This very much reminds me of the ‘going to ashes’ part of the rebirth, rise of the Phoenix. In a way a ‘zero point’ of its own.  There are so many outside influences pulling and pushing us and whipping us about, vying for our attention and energy grabbing.  Magnetics moving, grids re-establishing, DNA downloads, carbon to crystalline, memory overload, Self Authentication process, life dismantling, Gaia shifts, ad infinitum –  and the endless unforgiving bits of glue leftover to be scrubbed off of the jar – oil works here.  Grease up, is that it?  Life is a hoot.

All of this going on while we are in the middle of a very interesting location shift. Our life is all packed up in someone else’s bodega. (How’s that for stability?)

And so it is that we must laugh – especially at ourselves.  Not an attractive idea sometimes, but vigilance here is a good idea.  How much more funny or ridiculous could any of these situations we find ourselves in be? I cannot even imagine.  Humor and true surrender to the process, no matter how ‘unbelievable’ and ludicrous or repetitive it might be.  Nothing is for sure, everything is changing. And asking ‘why’ is just as funny, ‘cause there are very few answers.  It just is, at least for now.  I don’t know jack squat, get used to it or get over it already, whatever.  I am laughing, really.  Thank you Cosmos for the blessings!

Aloha Nui Loa, Namaste, Buen Viaje, Pura Vida (and as some say, Pura Fricken Vida)

We are on a mission, yeah? Good grief, we can’t forget that.

“It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.”  -Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland





Author: Elena in the Jungle

Living a very simple reclusive and self sustaining life way out in the jungle with my husband, growing as much food and medicinal plants as possible, I find my freedom and sanctuary in the amazing and spectacular array of life that surrounds me, gifts of Gaia, most especially while traveling around on my horse.

2 thoughts on “Don’t Know Squat”

  1. Another sync, Elena … The Phoenix has been coming up strongly for me again, though it’s been ‘up’ for quite awhile. Even so, every once in awhile (like the Black Madonna, etc.) it really comes up clearly. So lovely to see you mention it here. It’s a powerful totem and metaphor, to be sure. And yes, it seems for many of us these are some pretty intense times (still … or again?) 🙂 xoxo Jamie

    1. I think it is still…as we truly ‘die’ and mega-morph into whatever is next! so the same for me – lot’s of phoenix energy, along with everything else LOL much love and always so much gratitude! for sharing the Journey, in all of its myriad expressions/symbology, messenger roles xoxo 😮

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